Darkness, Depression, and Defeating the Devil

And apparently some alliteration. I have lacked the courage to post in several months. It has always been my desire to be open, honest, and hopefully encouraging to those (however few) that read this blog. Allow my to update you on why posts have not been made. As many of you know, last semester (Spring 2012), I struggled with a severe bout of depression. While I was hopeful that this semester (Fall 2012) would be full of redemption and healing, I found myself in the throes of an even more severe bout. While I often thought of posting, the irony seemed to great. I was sure that I had nothing of worth to say. After all, who wants to hear from a depressed girl? At my worst, I found myself not leaving bed for days. After some contemplation, much worry, and extreme heartache, I have decided to commute next semester. Maybe you're wondering why I would say all of this? I am partially wondering myself. If anything, this experience has reinformed me of my personal depravity. Thus, I must admit to feeling completely incapable of saying anything of worth. Yet, it is laid on my heart, and who am I to refuse? By the recommendation of my dear professor and friend, Papa C, I began reading Come Be My Light. It is a book that complies the personal writings of Mother Teresa with some commentary by a close friend. Mother Teresa's compassion has been one I've always aspired to have. I assumed that her writings would be filled with possible pretentiousness about the glories of her walk with Christ. I have never been more wrong. Mother Teresa walked through what she referred to as "darkness." In fact, this darkness persisted for ten years. While some may refer to it as a spiritual darkness, some a psychological depression, I resonate with this because I imagine it is a bit of both. Because this book is so amazing I want to reference a few things she says (in APA style, of course): "Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The child of your love00and now become as the most hated one--the one YOu have thrown away as unwanted--unloved. I call, I cling, I want--and there is no One to answer--no One one Whom I can cling00no, No One.--Alone. The darkness is so dark--and I am alone.--Unwanted, forsaken.--The loneliness of the heart that wants love is unbearable.--Where is my faith?--Even deep down, right in, there is nothing but emptiness & darkness.--My God" (Kolodiejchuk, 2007, pp. 186-187). Ah, but this is how her letter ends: "If this brings You glory, if You get a drop of joy from this--if souls are brought to You--if my suffering satiates Your Thirst--here I am Lord, with joy I accept all to the end of life--& I will smile at Your Hidden Face--always" (Kolodijchuk, 2007, p. 188). I'm learning a beautiful lesson through Mother Teresa--desire to serve God may not always be a feeling, but it should always be an action. In the midst of this ten year darkness, Mother Teresa worked fervently in the slums of Calcutta. Her ministry is admired across the globe, and she is up for Sainthood in the Catholic church. Yet, she went through severe darkness and depression, yet, defeated the devil in his quest for souls! I covet your prayers as I attempt to defeat darkness, depression, and the devil! Peace & Blessings.