Darkness, Depression, and Defeating the Devil

And apparently some alliteration. I have lacked the courage to post in several months. It has always been my desire to be open, honest, and hopefully encouraging to those (however few) that read this blog. Allow my to update you on why posts have not been made. As many of you know, last semester (Spring 2012), I struggled with a severe bout of depression. While I was hopeful that this semester (Fall 2012) would be full of redemption and healing, I found myself in the throes of an even more severe bout. While I often thought of posting, the irony seemed to great. I was sure that I had nothing of worth to say. After all, who wants to hear from a depressed girl? At my worst, I found myself not leaving bed for days. After some contemplation, much worry, and extreme heartache, I have decided to commute next semester. Maybe you're wondering why I would say all of this? I am partially wondering myself. If anything, this experience has reinformed me of my personal depravity. Thus, I must admit to feeling completely incapable of saying anything of worth. Yet, it is laid on my heart, and who am I to refuse? By the recommendation of my dear professor and friend, Papa C, I began reading Come Be My Light. It is a book that complies the personal writings of Mother Teresa with some commentary by a close friend. Mother Teresa's compassion has been one I've always aspired to have. I assumed that her writings would be filled with possible pretentiousness about the glories of her walk with Christ. I have never been more wrong. Mother Teresa walked through what she referred to as "darkness." In fact, this darkness persisted for ten years. While some may refer to it as a spiritual darkness, some a psychological depression, I resonate with this because I imagine it is a bit of both. Because this book is so amazing I want to reference a few things she says (in APA style, of course): "Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The child of your love00and now become as the most hated one--the one YOu have thrown away as unwanted--unloved. I call, I cling, I want--and there is no One to answer--no One one Whom I can cling00no, No One.--Alone. The darkness is so dark--and I am alone.--Unwanted, forsaken.--The loneliness of the heart that wants love is unbearable.--Where is my faith?--Even deep down, right in, there is nothing but emptiness & darkness.--My God" (Kolodiejchuk, 2007, pp. 186-187). Ah, but this is how her letter ends: "If this brings You glory, if You get a drop of joy from this--if souls are brought to You--if my suffering satiates Your Thirst--here I am Lord, with joy I accept all to the end of life--& I will smile at Your Hidden Face--always" (Kolodijchuk, 2007, p. 188). I'm learning a beautiful lesson through Mother Teresa--desire to serve God may not always be a feeling, but it should always be an action. In the midst of this ten year darkness, Mother Teresa worked fervently in the slums of Calcutta. Her ministry is admired across the globe, and she is up for Sainthood in the Catholic church. Yet, she went through severe darkness and depression, yet, defeated the devil in his quest for souls! I covet your prayers as I attempt to defeat darkness, depression, and the devil! Peace & Blessings.

When the Church Fails, Someone Succeeds

This has been on my heart for a while, but I have been avoiding this tricky topic. When the church fails, someone succeeds. I believe this is fact, and not just the opinion of a confused blogger.

When the church fails to provide for the poor, secular institutions arise to take care of the problem. When the church fails to look after their troubled youth, the world throws a welcome party. When the church fails to address addictions, people lose their life to a strong influence. When the church fails to invest in the forgotten's life, Satan arises whispering promises of remembrance.

The church has failed. We have failed to address these issues and so much more. We have forgotten our role as providers for the poor, as family for the orphans and widows, as role models for the confused. When we fail, someone will always succeed. Until we refuse to fail, we will constantly lose those we were placed to help to a lesser authority.

What does this mean? Refuse to fail. Refuse to let the world be the only source of adoptive parents. Refuse to let an ill-intentioned boy to seduce a lonely girl. Refuse to let an alcoholic lose his life to his addiction. Refuse to fail, be ready to succeed. Go forth and conquer!


Peace & Blessings

Cynicism and Fear

Whenever I speak with my own voice I like to start with a time of confession. When I did a stand-up routine last semester I joked about how I grew up racist against white people (I am a western European mutt with 1/32nd of my blood representing the Sioux Indian tribe – which I like to say is just enough to keep me interesting). While this is a joke that received laughter from the audience it stems from a pit of darkness. Many things live there that impacts my relationship with God and how I see Him work in this world. Darkness camouflages a lot. In darkness many things grow. But the beautiful thing about a flashlight is that it pierces the dark wherever it shines. Two things that grow in my darkness are cynicism and fear. I am super cynical, but mainly in suburban majority culture Christian circles. At Cedarville my cynicism skyrockets. When Rob Turner announced that a member of his house church dedicated himself to a life of celibacy to combat homosexual feelings many in the chapel responded with applause and my first thought was “how many of you would be willing to remain celibate for the rest of your life?” I admit that this was not an appropriate attitude and that my response directly attacked those who were celebrating/showing support. This cynicism fuels my ego and my pride while ripping apart others. Second, is that I fear. I fear about my future and sharing my faith. I have no idea what I am going to do after I graduate. This is both beautiful and terrifying. I stress instead of finding peace. My heart’s desire is to serve others in life and instead of trusting God, I stress about how I can accomplish this task. My view of God is so small which is why I fear the judgment of man more than the glory of, and worshipping God. These are just two things that form my set of rose-colored glasses through which I see the world and my God. Trust me; there are many more evils that grow in my pit of darkness. These evils are just the more appropriate ones to share in this context. The Good News is that the light of the world knows me inside and out and loves me the same even when I fail to love Him. I say that I’m working on my cynicism and my fear but this is a lie because I cannot change myself and this highlights my continuous need for God and asking Him to work in my life because it will take a small miracle each day for my immediate reaction not to be cynicism.

I Fed My Fears. I Feed My Hope.

God is trying to tell me something--something big, something important, and if I do not listen up, I will miss His message. The other day, my boss blatantly told me to quit feeding my fears. I stood baffled at the brilliant revelation. How did she know? Am I that transparent? What she said really struck me. I've thought about it off and on for a while now, and then God tried to bring it up again. My friend, Gianna Jessen, is one of the loveliest ladies I know. She inspires me everyday, and I am so honored to call her my friend. Her facebook posts are so poetic as she describes each moment of her day with precision and clarity. In fact, I've never seen anyone live as beautifully as Gianna. Every moment is precious, every detail is significant, and subtle hints are giant revelations. It was while conversing with her that I realized I do not live, I exist. I shared my deep concern with her, and her response(s) was beautiful. It was in this moment that I placed my biggest desire and my biggest fear on the table--go to Africa. The truth is, I fed my fears, but now I choose to feed my hope. The hope that God will get me to Africa no matter how challenging, how OCD I get, or how worried my parents become. I will go to Africa. I have fed my fears that I am fat. How? I eat ice cream. I have fed my fears that everyone hates me. How? By finding those that do. BUT. I choose to hope. Readers, let it be known that from this day, August 23, 2012, I choose to feed hope. I have fed my fears long enough. I'm ready to allow something positive to grow. Peace & Blessings.

Life (Slightly) Beyond the Bubble

By Rachel Greenwood

During college, but especially during senior year, I dreamt of where God might take me for the next chapter of my life (way to be present, I know. But, cornfields’ll do that to ya). Would it be a new state I had never lived in before? Somewhere really warm, like Mississippi? Or somewhere with mountains? Someplace outside the US? One thing I “knew” for sure; I would be leaving the state of Ohio. I had “signed up” for 3 years, and not a day beyond that. Besides, what reason could possibly be good enough for me to want to stay?
Well, one thing I’ve learned during my relationship with the God who created the Heavens and the Earth, as well as me: telling Him I will not/cannot do something often results in me doing that very thing.
Instead of going off to Grad School in Colorado, which at the beginning of senior year I thought was the plan, God swung a different door wide open for me. Choosing to go through this door would mean not only staying in Ohio, but staying in Cedarville another year. I had to laugh at how beautifully the opportunity came together. This opportunity that would keep me in the state I claimed I couldn’t stand. God was gracious enough to make it so sweet, there was no way I wanted to say no. So, I walked on through, laughing as I went with my God Who can talk me into anything.
The fact that I still live in Cedarville is part of the reason I am only slightly beyond the “Bubble.” Because, living in the town of Cedarville is about as close to being in the bubble one can be and still be outside of it. I mean, ½ (my approximation) of the businesses in this town play Christian music. At the same time, my friends will go off to nights of worship & SCAB events, while I…read a book, or knit, or learn Spanish? Feeling very outside the Bubble the whole time. (Okay, so I’m still working on what to do with myself while my friends are doing college student things. Also, I’m doubtful if I ever actually take up knitting.)
Since I have only been out of college a mere 3 months, I am by no means an expert on adult-living. In fact, I am coming to realize I have a lot more questions than answers. (It’s funny, because when I was a freshman in college, I thought I was an adult. However, no longer having the privilege of relying on Chuck & his staff to feed me makes me think college was more of an in-between phase for me.)
One of those questions involves choosing a church home and getting plugged in. During my time at Cedarville, I never plugged in to a church, because I had plenty of ministry opportunities available through school. I went to a church, but the decision about where to go Sunday mornings didn’t seem that huge to me, seeing as I had chapel Monday-Friday and Bible classes and a weekly Bible study (or 2) to attend and grow from.
Beyond the Bubble, things look different. I went to the Fall Bible Conference 2 evenings this week, which reminded me just how much I will miss having chapel Monday through Friday. I am so thankful I had that opportunity for three years. And while part of me felt sad as I was challenged by Rob Turner’s messages, I was thankful for the reminder of just how important it is for me to find new avenues/places/ways to learn, grow, and serve.
Change and transition can be tough, even if the new phase is exciting and more than you could have asked for. We like our comfort zones; we know how to relate to God in our old familiar routine. However, just because our circumstances may be changing, God doesn’t. So, even if I feel weird that the Involvement Fair will not involve me, I can rest knowing God is unchanging. And not only that, He is faithful! He has already brought great new friends and opportunities into my life that are making this transition an enjoyable one. At times I may miss life in the bubble, but most of the time I am having too much fun learning and growing on the other side to mind the change.
For those of you that are currently college students, be present and enjoy it! Learn a lot. But also develop habits that will make the transition out of your bubble easier. For example, I should not have relied so heavily on Cedarville to be my source for ministry opportunities. Also, on a rather unrelated note, I have a piece of exciting (and shocking) news: people outside of the bubble actually believe being “without a ring” at the age of 22 is NOT the end of the world! In fact, I have heard a few submit that this might actually be a positive thing! Can you believe it?! And I shall end here, as I truly have very little advice to offer you, as I am right in the middle of learning a lot myself.

Lamented Victory

I sit here trying to understand what God has been up to. I almost shut this blog down because of the ridicule I received; however, I am refusing to feed into my fears. I will move forward. Nevertheless, my discouragement remains. I am continually reminded that we are, in fact, in the last days. Yes, I realize this means our Help is coming, but I also understand that it means that many will be left behind. For some reason, I am grieving like never before over the state of mankind. I grieve over the ignorance, the foolishness, and the complete disregard for Christ. Thus, I found myself in another moment of deep discouragement. (Note: discouragement is not synonymous with depression). Depression expresses feelings of sadness, while discouragement expresses feelings of despair. To despair, is to "abandon hope." This is where I have been. I will admit, it has been extremely unpleasant and exceptionally heartbreaking, and tonight I found myself sitting in the midst of despair over our relationship with Christ. My wonderful Sunday School teacher, Angela Tackett, taught a lesson on "Dare to Hope." While I was praying and trying to find a way to encourage myself, I remembered this lesson. I found myself frantically flipping through the pages of Lamentations so I could find that verse. In true God-like fashion, I was not able to find it. So what did I do? I had to read it. Starting with verse one. If you've ever taken a historical survey of the Old Testament, then you are familair with the despair dealt within this book. Let me show you a few verses that stuck out: 1:14- "For these things I weep; my eyes flow with tears; for a comforter is far from me, one to revive my spirit; my children are desolate, for the enemy has prevailed." 2:13- "For your ruin [Jerusalem] is vast as the sea; who can heal you?" 2:14-"Your prophets have seen for you false and deceptive visions; they have not exposed your iniquity to restore your fortunes, but have seen for you oracles that are false and misleading." 3:14-"I have become the laughingstock of all peoples, the object of their taunts all day long." Finally, 3:21- BUT THIS I CALL TO MIND, AND THEREFORE I HAVE HOPE: THE STEADFAST LOVE OF THE LORD NEVER CEASES." Now, I am Pentecostal and let me tell you, if I was a shouter, I would have danced all around my room. If you've never read Lamentations, let me encourage you to do so. First, because sometimes you need someone to cry with. I love that about this book. If you're like me, you get caught up in the storyline, you feel the author's pain, and THEN he dares to hope, because he remembers God's neverfailing love. I have become the laughingstock. At this moment, two very painful instances come to mind. Moments that I will never forget and that will always affect the way I now do things. If you wish to laugh, go ahead. I am finally okay with that, because I dare to hope. Thus, I come to you with a slight lament. I'm grieving and I'm healing. But most importantly, I am finally hoping. To me, this is victory. Peace & Blessings.

Fifty Shades of Deceit

My heart has been troubled lately. Ask my best friend, Brittany Tackett, I have just been troubled. Facebook has really been bogging me down with the signs of the times. Deceit. My friends, you've been deceieved. Let me let you in on a secret, we are in the last days. People that I never thought would leave Christ, have left Him like a hot tomali (yes, I just said that). Friends that I thought were firm in the faith are partying and sleeping around. Oh, how it troubles my soul. I've paced my room in complete agony over the deceit that is winning souls our youth. People that I have wept in the altar with are now drinking, having babies out of wedlock, and LORD knows what else. Fifty shades of deceit. This blog post started forming in my mind when I saw a post about a friend reading the book Fifty Shades of Grey. A friend that I would have believed to be a believer. Now, I am casting no judgment on this person's soul. What I'm sayin is that it starts with a book. It starts with a show. It starts with a song. It starts with a kiss. It even starts with a sip. Shew, my heart is so troubled right now. Okay, I'm trying to get through this. We all make mistakes. I do every single day. I hate it. I hate messing up! Christ forgives. BUT. When we choose to abuse His forgiveness, when we choose to walk in sin, we have lost the message. Fifty shades of deceit. The truth is deceit is everywhere. Deceit does not come to you looking horrific. It comes in beautiful packages with hope and promises. It comes offering happiness and healing. It comes offering forgetfulness. Yet, all it offers is emptiness. I'm preaching to the choir. For you, it may be one thing. For me, its food. Food offers something to me that you may not get. It tells me things. I know I sound schizophrenic right now, but it tells me that I can be happy. But you know what I'm always deceived. Fifty shades of deceit. Deceit will package itself so that you will unwrap it. Deceit is shiny, its sparkly, its glittery, but it is always empty. DO YOU HEAR ME? IT IS ALWAYS EMPTY. I'm begging you to lay down deceit. Deceit is a game. I had a dream one night and the LORD told me to quit playing games with Him. Do you know the next day my pastor said quit playing games with God? Do you know that God wants to speak to you? But first you have to quit being deceived. When you're deceived, you will not know up from down, right from left, dark from light. Fifty shades of deceit. Deceit is like when you jump in the pool. Have you ever jumped off a diving board and once you're under the water, you're not sure which way is out of the water and which is further in? That is deceit. Deceit brings confusion. Deceit brings emptiness. Deceit brings depression. Deceit brings unhappiness. Deceit brings loss. Deceit brings heartache. Fifty shades of deceit. One shade of hope. Christ. Peace & Blessings.