Cynicism and Fear

Whenever I speak with my own voice I like to start with a time of confession. When I did a stand-up routine last semester I joked about how I grew up racist against white people (I am a western European mutt with 1/32nd of my blood representing the Sioux Indian tribe – which I like to say is just enough to keep me interesting). While this is a joke that received laughter from the audience it stems from a pit of darkness. Many things live there that impacts my relationship with God and how I see Him work in this world. Darkness camouflages a lot. In darkness many things grow. But the beautiful thing about a flashlight is that it pierces the dark wherever it shines. Two things that grow in my darkness are cynicism and fear. I am super cynical, but mainly in suburban majority culture Christian circles. At Cedarville my cynicism skyrockets. When Rob Turner announced that a member of his house church dedicated himself to a life of celibacy to combat homosexual feelings many in the chapel responded with applause and my first thought was “how many of you would be willing to remain celibate for the rest of your life?” I admit that this was not an appropriate attitude and that my response directly attacked those who were celebrating/showing support. This cynicism fuels my ego and my pride while ripping apart others. Second, is that I fear. I fear about my future and sharing my faith. I have no idea what I am going to do after I graduate. This is both beautiful and terrifying. I stress instead of finding peace. My heart’s desire is to serve others in life and instead of trusting God, I stress about how I can accomplish this task. My view of God is so small which is why I fear the judgment of man more than the glory of, and worshipping God. These are just two things that form my set of rose-colored glasses through which I see the world and my God. Trust me; there are many more evils that grow in my pit of darkness. These evils are just the more appropriate ones to share in this context. The Good News is that the light of the world knows me inside and out and loves me the same even when I fail to love Him. I say that I’m working on my cynicism and my fear but this is a lie because I cannot change myself and this highlights my continuous need for God and asking Him to work in my life because it will take a small miracle each day for my immediate reaction not to be cynicism.