Darkness, Depression, and Defeating the Devil

And apparently some alliteration. I have lacked the courage to post in several months. It has always been my desire to be open, honest, and hopefully encouraging to those (however few) that read this blog. Allow my to update you on why posts have not been made. As many of you know, last semester (Spring 2012), I struggled with a severe bout of depression. While I was hopeful that this semester (Fall 2012) would be full of redemption and healing, I found myself in the throes of an even more severe bout. While I often thought of posting, the irony seemed to great. I was sure that I had nothing of worth to say. After all, who wants to hear from a depressed girl? At my worst, I found myself not leaving bed for days. After some contemplation, much worry, and extreme heartache, I have decided to commute next semester. Maybe you're wondering why I would say all of this? I am partially wondering myself. If anything, this experience has reinformed me of my personal depravity. Thus, I must admit to feeling completely incapable of saying anything of worth. Yet, it is laid on my heart, and who am I to refuse? By the recommendation of my dear professor and friend, Papa C, I began reading Come Be My Light. It is a book that complies the personal writings of Mother Teresa with some commentary by a close friend. Mother Teresa's compassion has been one I've always aspired to have. I assumed that her writings would be filled with possible pretentiousness about the glories of her walk with Christ. I have never been more wrong. Mother Teresa walked through what she referred to as "darkness." In fact, this darkness persisted for ten years. While some may refer to it as a spiritual darkness, some a psychological depression, I resonate with this because I imagine it is a bit of both. Because this book is so amazing I want to reference a few things she says (in APA style, of course): "Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The child of your love00and now become as the most hated one--the one YOu have thrown away as unwanted--unloved. I call, I cling, I want--and there is no One to answer--no One one Whom I can cling00no, No One.--Alone. The darkness is so dark--and I am alone.--Unwanted, forsaken.--The loneliness of the heart that wants love is unbearable.--Where is my faith?--Even deep down, right in, there is nothing but emptiness & darkness.--My God" (Kolodiejchuk, 2007, pp. 186-187). Ah, but this is how her letter ends: "If this brings You glory, if You get a drop of joy from this--if souls are brought to You--if my suffering satiates Your Thirst--here I am Lord, with joy I accept all to the end of life--& I will smile at Your Hidden Face--always" (Kolodijchuk, 2007, p. 188). I'm learning a beautiful lesson through Mother Teresa--desire to serve God may not always be a feeling, but it should always be an action. In the midst of this ten year darkness, Mother Teresa worked fervently in the slums of Calcutta. Her ministry is admired across the globe, and she is up for Sainthood in the Catholic church. Yet, she went through severe darkness and depression, yet, defeated the devil in his quest for souls! I covet your prayers as I attempt to defeat darkness, depression, and the devil! Peace & Blessings.

When the Church Fails, Someone Succeeds

This has been on my heart for a while, but I have been avoiding this tricky topic. When the church fails, someone succeeds. I believe this is fact, and not just the opinion of a confused blogger.

When the church fails to provide for the poor, secular institutions arise to take care of the problem. When the church fails to look after their troubled youth, the world throws a welcome party. When the church fails to address addictions, people lose their life to a strong influence. When the church fails to invest in the forgotten's life, Satan arises whispering promises of remembrance.

The church has failed. We have failed to address these issues and so much more. We have forgotten our role as providers for the poor, as family for the orphans and widows, as role models for the confused. When we fail, someone will always succeed. Until we refuse to fail, we will constantly lose those we were placed to help to a lesser authority.

What does this mean? Refuse to fail. Refuse to let the world be the only source of adoptive parents. Refuse to let an ill-intentioned boy to seduce a lonely girl. Refuse to let an alcoholic lose his life to his addiction. Refuse to fail, be ready to succeed. Go forth and conquer!


Peace & Blessings

Cynicism and Fear

Whenever I speak with my own voice I like to start with a time of confession. When I did a stand-up routine last semester I joked about how I grew up racist against white people (I am a western European mutt with 1/32nd of my blood representing the Sioux Indian tribe – which I like to say is just enough to keep me interesting). While this is a joke that received laughter from the audience it stems from a pit of darkness. Many things live there that impacts my relationship with God and how I see Him work in this world. Darkness camouflages a lot. In darkness many things grow. But the beautiful thing about a flashlight is that it pierces the dark wherever it shines. Two things that grow in my darkness are cynicism and fear. I am super cynical, but mainly in suburban majority culture Christian circles. At Cedarville my cynicism skyrockets. When Rob Turner announced that a member of his house church dedicated himself to a life of celibacy to combat homosexual feelings many in the chapel responded with applause and my first thought was “how many of you would be willing to remain celibate for the rest of your life?” I admit that this was not an appropriate attitude and that my response directly attacked those who were celebrating/showing support. This cynicism fuels my ego and my pride while ripping apart others. Second, is that I fear. I fear about my future and sharing my faith. I have no idea what I am going to do after I graduate. This is both beautiful and terrifying. I stress instead of finding peace. My heart’s desire is to serve others in life and instead of trusting God, I stress about how I can accomplish this task. My view of God is so small which is why I fear the judgment of man more than the glory of, and worshipping God. These are just two things that form my set of rose-colored glasses through which I see the world and my God. Trust me; there are many more evils that grow in my pit of darkness. These evils are just the more appropriate ones to share in this context. The Good News is that the light of the world knows me inside and out and loves me the same even when I fail to love Him. I say that I’m working on my cynicism and my fear but this is a lie because I cannot change myself and this highlights my continuous need for God and asking Him to work in my life because it will take a small miracle each day for my immediate reaction not to be cynicism.

I Fed My Fears. I Feed My Hope.

God is trying to tell me something--something big, something important, and if I do not listen up, I will miss His message. The other day, my boss blatantly told me to quit feeding my fears. I stood baffled at the brilliant revelation. How did she know? Am I that transparent? What she said really struck me. I've thought about it off and on for a while now, and then God tried to bring it up again. My friend, Gianna Jessen, is one of the loveliest ladies I know. She inspires me everyday, and I am so honored to call her my friend. Her facebook posts are so poetic as she describes each moment of her day with precision and clarity. In fact, I've never seen anyone live as beautifully as Gianna. Every moment is precious, every detail is significant, and subtle hints are giant revelations. It was while conversing with her that I realized I do not live, I exist. I shared my deep concern with her, and her response(s) was beautiful. It was in this moment that I placed my biggest desire and my biggest fear on the table--go to Africa. The truth is, I fed my fears, but now I choose to feed my hope. The hope that God will get me to Africa no matter how challenging, how OCD I get, or how worried my parents become. I will go to Africa. I have fed my fears that I am fat. How? I eat ice cream. I have fed my fears that everyone hates me. How? By finding those that do. BUT. I choose to hope. Readers, let it be known that from this day, August 23, 2012, I choose to feed hope. I have fed my fears long enough. I'm ready to allow something positive to grow. Peace & Blessings.

Life (Slightly) Beyond the Bubble

By Rachel Greenwood

During college, but especially during senior year, I dreamt of where God might take me for the next chapter of my life (way to be present, I know. But, cornfields’ll do that to ya). Would it be a new state I had never lived in before? Somewhere really warm, like Mississippi? Or somewhere with mountains? Someplace outside the US? One thing I “knew” for sure; I would be leaving the state of Ohio. I had “signed up” for 3 years, and not a day beyond that. Besides, what reason could possibly be good enough for me to want to stay?
Well, one thing I’ve learned during my relationship with the God who created the Heavens and the Earth, as well as me: telling Him I will not/cannot do something often results in me doing that very thing.
Instead of going off to Grad School in Colorado, which at the beginning of senior year I thought was the plan, God swung a different door wide open for me. Choosing to go through this door would mean not only staying in Ohio, but staying in Cedarville another year. I had to laugh at how beautifully the opportunity came together. This opportunity that would keep me in the state I claimed I couldn’t stand. God was gracious enough to make it so sweet, there was no way I wanted to say no. So, I walked on through, laughing as I went with my God Who can talk me into anything.
The fact that I still live in Cedarville is part of the reason I am only slightly beyond the “Bubble.” Because, living in the town of Cedarville is about as close to being in the bubble one can be and still be outside of it. I mean, ½ (my approximation) of the businesses in this town play Christian music. At the same time, my friends will go off to nights of worship & SCAB events, while I…read a book, or knit, or learn Spanish? Feeling very outside the Bubble the whole time. (Okay, so I’m still working on what to do with myself while my friends are doing college student things. Also, I’m doubtful if I ever actually take up knitting.)
Since I have only been out of college a mere 3 months, I am by no means an expert on adult-living. In fact, I am coming to realize I have a lot more questions than answers. (It’s funny, because when I was a freshman in college, I thought I was an adult. However, no longer having the privilege of relying on Chuck & his staff to feed me makes me think college was more of an in-between phase for me.)
One of those questions involves choosing a church home and getting plugged in. During my time at Cedarville, I never plugged in to a church, because I had plenty of ministry opportunities available through school. I went to a church, but the decision about where to go Sunday mornings didn’t seem that huge to me, seeing as I had chapel Monday-Friday and Bible classes and a weekly Bible study (or 2) to attend and grow from.
Beyond the Bubble, things look different. I went to the Fall Bible Conference 2 evenings this week, which reminded me just how much I will miss having chapel Monday through Friday. I am so thankful I had that opportunity for three years. And while part of me felt sad as I was challenged by Rob Turner’s messages, I was thankful for the reminder of just how important it is for me to find new avenues/places/ways to learn, grow, and serve.
Change and transition can be tough, even if the new phase is exciting and more than you could have asked for. We like our comfort zones; we know how to relate to God in our old familiar routine. However, just because our circumstances may be changing, God doesn’t. So, even if I feel weird that the Involvement Fair will not involve me, I can rest knowing God is unchanging. And not only that, He is faithful! He has already brought great new friends and opportunities into my life that are making this transition an enjoyable one. At times I may miss life in the bubble, but most of the time I am having too much fun learning and growing on the other side to mind the change.
For those of you that are currently college students, be present and enjoy it! Learn a lot. But also develop habits that will make the transition out of your bubble easier. For example, I should not have relied so heavily on Cedarville to be my source for ministry opportunities. Also, on a rather unrelated note, I have a piece of exciting (and shocking) news: people outside of the bubble actually believe being “without a ring” at the age of 22 is NOT the end of the world! In fact, I have heard a few submit that this might actually be a positive thing! Can you believe it?! And I shall end here, as I truly have very little advice to offer you, as I am right in the middle of learning a lot myself.

Lamented Victory

I sit here trying to understand what God has been up to. I almost shut this blog down because of the ridicule I received; however, I am refusing to feed into my fears. I will move forward. Nevertheless, my discouragement remains. I am continually reminded that we are, in fact, in the last days. Yes, I realize this means our Help is coming, but I also understand that it means that many will be left behind. For some reason, I am grieving like never before over the state of mankind. I grieve over the ignorance, the foolishness, and the complete disregard for Christ. Thus, I found myself in another moment of deep discouragement. (Note: discouragement is not synonymous with depression). Depression expresses feelings of sadness, while discouragement expresses feelings of despair. To despair, is to "abandon hope." This is where I have been. I will admit, it has been extremely unpleasant and exceptionally heartbreaking, and tonight I found myself sitting in the midst of despair over our relationship with Christ. My wonderful Sunday School teacher, Angela Tackett, taught a lesson on "Dare to Hope." While I was praying and trying to find a way to encourage myself, I remembered this lesson. I found myself frantically flipping through the pages of Lamentations so I could find that verse. In true God-like fashion, I was not able to find it. So what did I do? I had to read it. Starting with verse one. If you've ever taken a historical survey of the Old Testament, then you are familair with the despair dealt within this book. Let me show you a few verses that stuck out: 1:14- "For these things I weep; my eyes flow with tears; for a comforter is far from me, one to revive my spirit; my children are desolate, for the enemy has prevailed." 2:13- "For your ruin [Jerusalem] is vast as the sea; who can heal you?" 2:14-"Your prophets have seen for you false and deceptive visions; they have not exposed your iniquity to restore your fortunes, but have seen for you oracles that are false and misleading." 3:14-"I have become the laughingstock of all peoples, the object of their taunts all day long." Finally, 3:21- BUT THIS I CALL TO MIND, AND THEREFORE I HAVE HOPE: THE STEADFAST LOVE OF THE LORD NEVER CEASES." Now, I am Pentecostal and let me tell you, if I was a shouter, I would have danced all around my room. If you've never read Lamentations, let me encourage you to do so. First, because sometimes you need someone to cry with. I love that about this book. If you're like me, you get caught up in the storyline, you feel the author's pain, and THEN he dares to hope, because he remembers God's neverfailing love. I have become the laughingstock. At this moment, two very painful instances come to mind. Moments that I will never forget and that will always affect the way I now do things. If you wish to laugh, go ahead. I am finally okay with that, because I dare to hope. Thus, I come to you with a slight lament. I'm grieving and I'm healing. But most importantly, I am finally hoping. To me, this is victory. Peace & Blessings.

Fifty Shades of Deceit

My heart has been troubled lately. Ask my best friend, Brittany Tackett, I have just been troubled. Facebook has really been bogging me down with the signs of the times. Deceit. My friends, you've been deceieved. Let me let you in on a secret, we are in the last days. People that I never thought would leave Christ, have left Him like a hot tomali (yes, I just said that). Friends that I thought were firm in the faith are partying and sleeping around. Oh, how it troubles my soul. I've paced my room in complete agony over the deceit that is winning souls our youth. People that I have wept in the altar with are now drinking, having babies out of wedlock, and LORD knows what else. Fifty shades of deceit. This blog post started forming in my mind when I saw a post about a friend reading the book Fifty Shades of Grey. A friend that I would have believed to be a believer. Now, I am casting no judgment on this person's soul. What I'm sayin is that it starts with a book. It starts with a show. It starts with a song. It starts with a kiss. It even starts with a sip. Shew, my heart is so troubled right now. Okay, I'm trying to get through this. We all make mistakes. I do every single day. I hate it. I hate messing up! Christ forgives. BUT. When we choose to abuse His forgiveness, when we choose to walk in sin, we have lost the message. Fifty shades of deceit. The truth is deceit is everywhere. Deceit does not come to you looking horrific. It comes in beautiful packages with hope and promises. It comes offering happiness and healing. It comes offering forgetfulness. Yet, all it offers is emptiness. I'm preaching to the choir. For you, it may be one thing. For me, its food. Food offers something to me that you may not get. It tells me things. I know I sound schizophrenic right now, but it tells me that I can be happy. But you know what I'm always deceived. Fifty shades of deceit. Deceit will package itself so that you will unwrap it. Deceit is shiny, its sparkly, its glittery, but it is always empty. DO YOU HEAR ME? IT IS ALWAYS EMPTY. I'm begging you to lay down deceit. Deceit is a game. I had a dream one night and the LORD told me to quit playing games with Him. Do you know the next day my pastor said quit playing games with God? Do you know that God wants to speak to you? But first you have to quit being deceived. When you're deceived, you will not know up from down, right from left, dark from light. Fifty shades of deceit. Deceit is like when you jump in the pool. Have you ever jumped off a diving board and once you're under the water, you're not sure which way is out of the water and which is further in? That is deceit. Deceit brings confusion. Deceit brings emptiness. Deceit brings depression. Deceit brings unhappiness. Deceit brings loss. Deceit brings heartache. Fifty shades of deceit. One shade of hope. Christ. Peace & Blessings.

Regrets?

Today while I was furiously stocking the shelves of GFS, I asked myself if I would live my life over. (Yes, when you do mundane tasks you must ask yourself deep questions to keep yourself efficient). Naturally, I took the time to take a brief examination of my life. How was my life? Was I happy? Was I successful? What is success? Did I have any regrets? Ah, that one got me. (Not that the others one didn't, but that one was particularly troubling). Of course, my answer was a strong YES! Very quickly, various thoughts flashed through my head of moments I regretted (and oh, how I regretted them), but then another thought came, what if...my life is a compilation of all of my decisions, even my bad ones. I can't help but wonder if this is a glimpse into grace. Here I am thinking of the moments in my life I'd love to take back, but worrying that if I did if I would never have met some of the poeple in my life! What if God allowed me to make a bad decision to bring about healing? What if God allowed me to go through some pain so I could walk through the doors of Stratford Heights. What would my life be like without Stratford Heights?! What if I never met my incredible Pastor who brought such healing to my life? What if I never met my amazing Sunday school teacher who makes me laugh AND makes me think? What if I was not Marving & Betty Ray's daughter or Breanna Ray's sister? What if Naomi Ray was not my grandmother or Rachel Rutherford was not my healthy buddy? What if some of my bad choices indirectly affected how I've come to know and love these people? For instance, I made a bad choice by quitting GFS. Because of that, I had to pick up more hours at Kidd Coffee. Coincidentally, I ended up becoming friends with a great encouragement to me, Rachel! My point is that grace is a lot like my relationship with regrets. As much as we hate regrets, to relive our lives would mean we may not relive them in a way that we would meet the wonderful people we currently know. I don't know about you, but I am in a place where I could not live without the people that are in my life. My church family IS my family. I love them more than words will ever describe! But this is grace! God takes the worst, most painful parts of our past and brings the most beautiful things to pass. The MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGS TO PASS. Take it from someone who is on the other side of depression, God is so good, and life is so beautiful. God's grace is sufficient for your regrets. By the way, I'm writing a book. Opinion needed: fiction or nonfiction? Peace & Blessings Free yourself from regrets. Live in the love of Christ!

Just Like Brushing Your Teeth

I was laying in bed one night, contemplating how I would overcome this weight issue, when it occurred to me--it is just like brushing your teeth! Let me explain. You always brush your teeth. And on the rare occassion that you forget your toothbrush you compensate by finding another way (such as toothpaste on your finger). Either way, you always brush your teeth. Similarly, I should always eat healthy. Once I reach my goal weight, what do I do? Start eating like crap again? NO! Hello, that will take me right back to where I started. Just like brushing my teeth, I will always have to exercise, I will always have to eat right, and on the occassion that I forget my "toothbrush" I can cheat a little. Brilliant right? It may not be, but it is working for me. Just a short note to let you know how I am doing. I hope you all are doing well. Apart from a stomach bug, I am fantastic, but then again, I get to watch Gilmore Girls :). Peace & Blessings. Don't forget to brush your teeth.

Why I didn't Eat Chick-Fil-A

...because I was at work.



Gotcha!
Hahaha. Peace & blessings

For My Future Husband

1. I've waited and waited for you. Cried for you and prayed for you. No one will ever appreciate you like I will.
2. I'm scared of guns. I'll never ask you to not own a gun because of me, but I'll always ask you to protect me.
3. Make me laugh. I hope you're amazing at impersonations. If not, just be yourself and I'll love you.
4. Dance with me. Randomly and in public. Who cares what people think? If I have you I have everything.
5. Be a kid with me. Ask me to play your video games with you, I'll always say yes.
6. Let me serenade you...in a hideous voice so we can laugh and laugh.
7. Pray for me. I will be your biggest prayer warrior and I want you to be mine.
8. Watch tv with me. I'll watch Jack Bauer if you will watch Rory Gilmore.
9. Let me be your best friend. Take me to your favorite teams games and let me wear your favorite worn out hoodies. I'll scream louder than any fan.
10. Compete with me. Race me even if I lose and I'll always kick your butt in March Madness.


Just some thoughts! I can't wait for God's most precious gift to come. I love him already!

Peace & Blessings.

To Be Fat Like Me

As many of you know, I was called fat by a customer. I assumed I would bounce back after a day or so of moping only to find myself leaving the gym in tears. This is not a post for self-pity, but rather an attempt to work through this without a therapist (haha).

So there I was in the gym, working out with my dad and sister. At first I was fine, but as we continued to lift weights I noticed the difference in my waistline. I was immediately discouraged. Instead of working through it, I decided to quit lifting weights and try some cardio.

As I was running, I felt the emotions hit. All of the sudden, I kept saying I can't do this, I just can't do this. Now let me take a brief break here: when I exercise I sweat like a 300 pound man. It is horrific. So anyway there are at least four cute guys in there, I'm feeling fat, and I look like I've jumped out of the pool. Horrific, I know. So there I was sweating, chubby, and discouraged. All of the sudden, I slammed the stop button walked out and cried. I cried because I was embarrassed, I cried because I felt helpless, and I cried because I didn't think I could do it.
I titled this To Be Fat Like Me because no matter what anyone says I have to discover the truth for myself. I have to believe that I can do this no matter how many people believe in me. I'm trying my best to get to that point. So why am I writing? Because until I believe in myself I need you to believe in me. Believe I can find myself to be beautiful, believe I can live a healthy lifestyle, believe I can change. Believe for me until I can believe for myself. And most importantly pray for me. Pray pray pray. I love you all.

Peace&blessings.

Coffee Shop Contemplations

Last night, during the awesome singing by Jeremy Rutherford, a family came into the coffee shop. Their dress indicated a lower socioeconomic class, and they quickly plopped into a seat to make use of our free WIFI. The husband made a quick trip to the bathroom and the wife was sent to find the price of a smoothie. Just a little over four dollars, the smoothie was beyond their paying capabilities, and she quickly sat down disappointed. My heart started to hurt. As the singer packed up and the family started to gather their things, my heart began beating faster remembering their desire for a smoothie. I quickly rushed over to offer them a free smoothie (don't worry Mr. Kidd I paid for it later). You would have thought I offered them a million dollars. Shocked by the offer, their faces lit up as I made some smoothies. The point of this blog is just now coming. No, do not thank me or say that was kind, it wasn't for you, it was for my Father. After they left, I teared up and sat in the presence of God as I thanked Him for my blessings. Here comes the point: entertaining angels. I'm not suggesting that the family of three had their pearly white wings tucked into their shirts, what I'm suggesting is that we honor who we serve by serving the least of these. As I mentioned to my mom, it may have been a test from God. In fact, I started worshipping Him after the experience because I knew that God was in my midst. How did I know? Because of the least of these. Feel cold in your walk with Christ? Go serve a homeless man or woman. Talk to the lonely. Befriend the friendless. Give clothes to the naked. These acts will immediately place you in the presence of God, it did for me. For a moment, I thought I was going to have a pentecostal breakdown in the coffee shop. Why? Because it confirmed that God is not done with me. Sometimes I feel discouraged because life seems stagnant. Particularly, I feel stagnant. I feel as if the whole world is moving closer or farther from God and then there's me...stuck. Part of my problem is I live my whole life on feelings--note: you will not always feel like serving God, do it anyways. This affects me in so many different ways. I don't feel like eating healthy, so I don't. I don't feel like working out, so I don't. I don't feel like reading my Bible, so I don't. I believe God is trying to wake me up to a place of discipline and logic. Just because I don't feel like doing something doesn't mean I shouldn't do it anyway. Because I live on feelings, my walk with God is easily dictated by my mood, emotions, and circumstances. I don't want to live that way! I think God is trying to walk me through a phase where life might feel a little dry to teach me to praise when I'm tired, to read when I'm exhausted, and to live honorably when I'm weak. Whoops, got on a tangent! Is any of this making sense or resonating? The more I write, the more I'm beginning to think that this blog is for me more than anyone else. One last thing, pray for me. Specifically? Pray I learn to live a life beyond feelings. Not that feelings aren't good! But it produces a very unstable life, and I could use some stability and progression in my walk with Christ. Love you all! Peace & Blessings. Brigitte

Call of Duty

My heart is broken. After shadowing social workers in a foster care setting, I've never been more determined to advocate Christian's adopting and fostering. I've heard a plethora of excuses: we don't have the money, we don't have the room, how do we know if God wants us to?

First, let's correct the "we don't have the money myth." Some of the poorest are foster parents. The real problem is not can you afford it, but can you afford to live the way you do. Or, in the words of Papa C "can you afford not to?" Let's say your kids get pulled from you. Would you not want someone like yourself to take care of them? Yes. Yes, you would. Then why would you not step out and be the person others need?!

Next, let's address the "we don't have room" excuse. Now, do you not have room or you don't want to give up your sewing room. Or gun room. Or porcelain doll room. Am I stepping on your toes yet?

Lastly, let's address my favorite of all Christian topics--God's will. I love this one because I was led to believe that God's will was a mystery that, if you prayed enough, would be unlocked for your discovery. I believe this to be false. Very false. Apart from your salvation, what does God care about more than anything? The salvation of others. It is my belief that God's will is a simple equation: your talent + witnessing. Now don't you dare tell me your talent is on the pole and your exchanging tracks for dollar bills. I'm talking about God ordained activities! Now, if you're loving, kind, and patient then adopting/foster parenting may be God's will for you. Someone has to do it and wouldn't you rather it be someone who loves Jesus and can share the truth then someone who doesn't give a care. Think about it. Pray about it. Advocate it.

Peace&Blessings.

The Picture that Changed My Life

This picture changed my life. It was almost a year ago when I first saw it. I was sitting in the basement, perusing pinterest when I stumbled across this gem. I instantly knew that I would one day visit Africa, and worship with the beautiful African people. This picture sent me into a whirlwind of questioning. Did I really want my doctorate in psychology? Could I go to Africa with a psych degree? What do I do? How do I get to Africa? These questions became the background music to my thinking, and before long I pursued guidance from people wiser than myself. After consulting with godly professors, I decided to consult a psych professor to see ways psychology and ministry can integrate. The response I received was less than encouraging, as I was counseled to pursue a doctorate, as that was obviously the Lord's plan for me. I walked away shocked and stunned, in complete disarray about my future. Discouraged, I quickly continued the pretense of future doctoral student in the hopes of pleasing others. Have I mentioned that is a bad idea?! To shorten this story, I found social work. I remember sitting in the office of a lovely social work professor as she explained their opportunities to intern abroad. I remember saying "Lord, if she says something about Uganda, I will know this is right." Shortly after, she explained that programs were in Uganda and Romania. I could've cried. Now, I'm choosing to double major in my senior year of college. Yes, that means that I will be staying an extra year, but it also means I just may get to worship with little kids like the one in the above picture. God never fails, and nothing is ever insignificant. Peace & Blessings.

My husband

This title is ironic. Mainly because I have virgin lips (meaning never been kissed), never been in a committed relationship, and seem to only be led on by the elite Christian boys. If I were to tell you my relationship woes were all humorous and lighthearted, I would be a liar (although I've had some hilarious incidences). But with everyday I'm learning to hold on. Boy its tough. Especially since everyone I know is engaged, married, or pregnant! While I have never even been kissed?! It seems absurd, but I'm realizing there is a purpose. Nothing irritates me more than dating girls telling single girls "in due time." Or, "it'll happen." Shut your kissing face. In reality, singlehood says a lot. Thus, I'd like to sift out the things Satan has told me about being single and the things I believe God wants me to remember about being single. Satan's Lies 1. Being single is a sign of being unwanted. You're not worth entering into a relationship with, and based on your record, you never will be. 2. Being single is a statement of your beauty. Only ugly girls can be a senior in college and never had a boyfriend. 3. Being single defines you. God's Promises 1. You are always wanted. I wanted your heart so much, I died for it. Look for someone who will always protect your heart and your honor. 2. You're more beautiful than words can express. I see you in your worst moments and still love you. Don't forget that beauty reigns in the heart. 3. I define you. I got a little goosebumpy (yes, its a word) over that last one. "I define you." If you were watching me type this, you would see that I had to stop and just sit in God's presence. I think He needed me to be reminded of that. Truth is, singlehood has defined me. Ladies, I have cried at the feet of Jesus. I mean CRIED. If you think I'm a strong feminist that holds dear to my singlehood, think again. I have wept at the feet of Christ as I feel looked past. No one ever asked me to the prom, no one found me to be a worthy date. It was tough. Somedays I sob doubting my worth and what I have to offer. Here's the good part BUT God. Don't you love that? But God defines me. But God gives me strength. But God allows me to have affirming parents. But God holds my hand. But God died for a relationship with me. I'm in no way trying to make singlehood pain spiritual. I've been there, the godly girls (with the man on their arm, by the way) offer some of the most spiritual advice. Honestly, I don't think God would say the things they do. Sometimes I imagine God saying, yes it sucks. But I am God. Yes, you are lonely. But I am here. Yes, you are single. But not forever. Hallelujah. The truth is, my relationship status does define me. Its just a different relationship, a heavenly one. An eternal one, and a priceless one. What relationship defines you? Peace & Blessings.

Monumental Moments

Monumental moments. We've all had them, moments that change your life in ways we often cannot fathom. Monumental moments can be either positive or negative and are oftentimes both. These moments often fall into our path, often uninvited, and leave their imprints on the course of our lives. Let me share a monumental moment in my life. It was my senior year of high school. Unlike most, I was dreading the day when I would part from familarity and move onto bigger things. I was comfortable. If you do not know me, then you would not know that comfort happens to be a stumbling block in my life. Comfort breeds complacency, and I am no exception. However, that year had presented a Bible class that had forever marked me. I distinctly remember our Bible teacher acting out the crucifixion of Christ. His details were vivid and often grotesque, details I am still grateful for. He reminded us of the glass attached to the whip and how with each crack of the whip, chunks of flesh were taken with the whip's removal. Bone and muscle showing, Christ was quickly looking less and less human. This descriptive story telling went on for a while. Now, this was not actually my point. My point with that was to demonstrate the power of that Bible class. However, it wasn't until one class period that forever changed my life. I remember coming in late. Why? I'm not sure. I think it may have been something to do with yearbook, but I'm so glad I came to class instead of skipping. That day there were two two-by-fours nailed together in the shape of a cross. Our teacher had a hammer, nail, and a stack of papers. We were to right our biggest sin struggle on the sheet, and then one-by-one we nailed our sin to the cross. We often use examples like this, but something about literally nailing your sin to the cross changes you. Sin becomes more serious, more painful, and to be honest the sound of the hammer striking the nail is never a sound you'll grow used to. While this in itself was monumental, it was the actual act of nailing it to the cross that brings me to this blog post. For some reason, I thought I would gently nail it in, as if the less I hit it the less pain my sin would cause. I remember my teacher having to take the hammer and POUND it into the cross. And just like that it was gone. Of course, I could still see it, it had in no way disappeared, but my attempt to minimize nailing my sin to the cross was pointless. The cross is what it is. We can attempt to minimize it, but we never will. The truth is the cross hurts, its hard, and you'll get a few splinters carrying it with you. Can I challenge you to something? If you have to set down the cross to participate in something, it isn't worth participating in. If you can't do those activities with a cross on your back then it is something you shouldn't do. If that guy asks you to put down the cross so you can sleep with him, the cross doesn't fit in the bed. Keep the cross, nix the boy. I want to challenge you and myself to remember that the cross doesn't fit in all activities. Just because you gently attempt to nail your sin, doesn't make it hurt any less. The cross is fun, the cross is loving, the cross is gentle, but the cross is also monumental. Keep the cross and your moments will be more worthwhile. Peace & Blessings

The right to dignity

I was reading my Human Behavior in the Social Environment text and came across the phrase "human rights and dignity." I immediately paused and wondered why dignity was not encompassed as a human right. Yet, the more I think about it, the more it seems that we leave in a society that diminishes dignity. This is a hard subject for me to talk about for a few reasons. 1). Dignity is not synonymous with pride. Thus, I am not condoning the sin of pride, but rather questioning how we have so willingly embraced a demeaning society. 2). With recent political decisions, I feel that my discussion on dignity may upset some, even though I am making no political statements. After all, no one hates politics more than myself. Now that I have made my brief disclaimer, I would like to consider this topic a little further. In my text, it was talking about the effects of patriarchy, oppression, discrimination, and prejudice. (Note: the difference between discrimination and prejudice is action versus attitude, respectively). If you were to consider each of these, you would notice that in order for such ideologies to exist, one loses dignity. Patriarchical societies often place the male brain as superior to the female brain, thus, women lose a sense of dignity over their abiity to reason. Take each of the previous instances and you will see that I am correct. However, as I was considering this, it occurred to me that maybe a loss of dignity is at the root of sin. My dear friend Hannah once observed that most sin seems to be of a direct or indirect hurt to another human being. Think about it: adultery, lying, murder, etc. Similarly, what if a root qualification for sin is when our actions or thoughts cause one to lose dignity? Gossip. Hurtful words and loose tongues may cause one to lose dignity. Lying. Untruthful words can ruin a reputation and cause one to lose dignity. Adultery. Unfaithful spouses can break a trust and cause victimized spouse to lose dignity. Interesting, huh? Thus, I would like to caution you. Before you make that bold accusation about the lady using food stamps, before you snarl your nose at the man begging on the corner, consider their dignity and consider how you may have just sinned. Peace & Blessings.

Just a little Run with Jesus

...tell Him all about my troubles. Running. I'm starting to love it. After one run, I consider doing another run (i.e., if I run in the morning I want to run again in the evening). While some may call it a high, which I am not negating, it has come to be a very symbolic and spiritual experience for me. I typically avoid using the word spiritual in case someone takes it as a post-modernist "we all are gods" kind of way. Yet, I do not mean it that way. Praying while running is often very sweet, short, and to the point. Thus, in light of this brief conversation, I would like to mention some things that I have learned from my two weeks of running (Yes, two weeks--don't judge, I used to be an avid runner). 1. If I keep my eyes on my feet I am able to run longer. When I look up at the distance, I am quickly discouraged and begin negative self-talk. Similarly, if I keep my eyes on Jesus, I am more sustainable spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Once I divert my eyes, things turn bad quickly. 2. I can run more than I think I can. This is big one. Let me divert for a brief moment so that I can run my point home (that was punny). I've been reading this book Made to Crave (phenomenal read, by the way). The author discusses her struggle with weight and then the victory that the Lord enabled her to win. In this book, she discusses how she was out for a run when the Lord challenged her to run until He told her to stop. Over eight and half miles later, she finally gets the okay to stop. In her own strength, she would have never accomplished this, but by God's strength she continued farther than she ever thought possible. Similarly, I am training for a 5k. While the runs are rather short, I have really gotten out of shape and every step is a massive accomplishment. Yet, I have now convinced myself that I can do this. Talk about victory! I was hoping to have more than two things I've learned, but maybe excessive lessons comes with excessive running. We'll see! Side note: I have to leave this paradise in two days. Ewww. Ohio. Gag. Hilton Head Island <3 Peace & Blessings

Scars of Depression

Many people think that only surgery and cuts can leave scars. False. Depression left its scars on me. They are called stretchmarks. If you would rather not hear about me drone on about something that looks like a tiger scratched me, then I understand. After all, who wants to talk about their flaws?! Yet, the psychology major in me feels that I must address this if I want to move on with my life. In this case, I mean move beyond my weight gain. While I hope moving beyond comes by weight loss, acceptance of my body and finding myself beautiful would suffice. However, I hope it is both. In case you didn't know, Prozac takes a toll on your appetite. Hungry. All. The. Time. It is absolutely dreadful. Between that and the emotional eating tolls of depression, I have found myself 30 pounds heavier. Now, all of you that have speculated some serious weight gain can now rest assured that I have verified that piece of juicy information. And guess what? With it came these sexy little scars--stretchmarks. I admit that they make me feel somewhat nauseous. After all, they are fairly recent and I do not tan so my pale skin constantly illuminates them. However, I am trying--hence this piece--to embrace these stretchmarks, to love them as scars and remind myself how far God has brought me. By the way, I speak so openly about depression because I am constantly baffled by the Church's response to it. And yes, I gained thirty pounds, and until I get it off I am still going to find myself beautiful. If you wish to call me a fatty, have your way, I will just dance with my sexy stretchmarks. Peace & Blessings

Freedom

"Where the spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom...freedom reigns in this place, showers of mercy and grace." I feel compelled to share with you my experience on Freedom Court. First, a moment of explanation. Freedom Court is a governmental housing project in Middletown, OH. It is less than asthetically appealing and is covered by trash. Piece of blankets and children's sheets are often used as curtains, and the sign is tarnished by markings of various gangs. Yet, it is here that I felt so free in Christ. Thus, I will be playing off of the word freedom, which is especially poetic since I spent some time in a grungy place called Freedom Court. My dear Sunday School teacher wrote a song about "the least of these." Her song is absolutely breathtaking and the lyrics are so convicting. For the greater part of my life, I believed the spirit of God to dwell the strongest in the church sanctuary. While I am not lessening the presence of the LORD in these hallowed places, I am suggesting that maybe we have limited the presence of God. It has been my humble and heartbreaking experience that God's presence can often be felt the most when dealing with "the least of these." Note: I am in no way referring to the children of freedom court as lesser human beings. However, it is rather unfortunate that society has labeled children such as the residents' of freedom court as "lesser", and while I do not agree with this terminology, I will adhere to it for the sake of pagination (or blogination). Somedays I cannot help but think we have it all wrong. When I say "we", I am referring to the Christian community. We build elaborate churches with padded pews and diffuse the scent of vanilla throughout the church as we "welcome" the presence of God yet push away the hurting. I cannot help but wonder if we can truly "welcome" the presence of God while simultaneously pushing away the unbelievers. Let me give a few examples. Can we truly welcome the presence of God when the homeless, who smell and do not wear the latest fashions, feel completely out of place. Would not the Father be dismayed? Similarly, can we welcome the presence of God when the "unchurched" feel incompetent and ignorant by the church lingo we so loosely throw around? I would argue that we cannot. Christ made it very clear that His purpose was to heal the sick, save the lost, befriend the friendless, and father the fatherless. If this was His purpose, and dare I say, his mission, how can we welcome His presence without presenting his "peeps." Another example, my father is a physician. Apart from the argument of preventive health care, without the sick my father, as a physician, would be completely lost. His job would essentially become pointless. How can you welcome a physician into a work setting to do his job without presenting some ailing bodies? You cannot. So, yes, it was on the dirty basketball court and the itchy grass that I felt connected to God. While I love beautiful sanctuaries, sometimes I need to sit with the overlooked to remember who my Savior truly is. Peace & Blessings.

Obsessions, Objections, & Observations

...and apparently alliteration. 1. If you have a handicap sticker, I will, in fact, observe your physical well-being to validate your claims. 2. I thoroughly object to people spelling ignornant wrong. Although, there is a sense of poetic justice about it. Nevertheless, please spare yourself a snarky comment from yours truly. By the way, did you catch it? 3. I'm currently obsessed with not killing birds. Ever since my traumatic murder of a poor bird, I have suffered PTSD. 4. Also, I'm obsessed with white mocha powder from Kidd Coffee, although it looks like cocaine. Although, I only know that from television. Fact: it makes everything better. 5. I thoroughly object to Toddlers & Tiaras. I've concluded that the show is the best form of birth control--who'd want children after watching those kids? Which leads me to... 6. I thoroughly object to dressing your three year old like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Your child should never suffer through the humiliation of being called a Prosti-tot. Horrific. 7. I am obsessed with the word "problematic." 8. I've observed that the word "pretentious" is, in itself, pretentious. Ironic? I think not. 9. I am definitely obsessed with my church. Fact: Stratford Heights COG is the greatest church ever. 10. I'm obsessed with alliteration. Perfectly pretentious problem? Probably. Peace & Blessings.

Listen up Ladies

I usually do not do this, mainly because I like to view myself as a young and passive person, but with each year the elder person in me becomes more visible. Yet, I have begun to see a trend that I cannot help but address. Yes, I know no one reads my posts, but maybe this will serve as a reminder for myself. If there is one thing I have noticed about my generation, it is the dating game. No, I have not kissed dating goodbye and I am certainly not opposed to people dating. In fact, I'd argue that it is a healthy developmental stage (within the bounds set by God). If the opportunity arose, I would certainly be dating. For me, I have come to understand why God has so diligently protected me from serious relationships. It could be argued that one of my greater strengths is compassion, but it could be argued that it is also my greatest weakness. Listen. Do not make your boyfriend your charity case. I get it, I am a psychology and social work major, if anyone enjoys the challenge of transforming a person, it is myself; yet, interpersonal relationships are not the place for personal transformation. Notice I said transformation, not growth. Growth is a must in relationships. The current emphasis on relationships pains me for several reasons. First, by constantly placing your worth by your relationship status you inadvertently place my worth by my relationship status. Yes, it is true...I have never had a boyfriend, but your constant emphasis on needing or having a boyfriend places me as a lesser person. While I can handle that, there are a lot of girls that cannot. Be aware of your actions. My lovely friend once pointed out something that I absolutely adore: actions are often considered sin when they harm another person. Isn't that amazing? That God cares so intimately and deeply about everyone that He makes hurting one another sinful. So while it may seem innocent to express your need for a "man", it may also be sinful. Especially, if you've accidentally or purposefully made someone feel less. Second, if you've been a part of the "non-dating" group (holla to my ladies), then you too may have adopted this sinful attitude. I did. I quickly became convinced that I was worthless without a hottie to take me to the prom or whatever the major event of my life was. Thus, I have officially contributed to the cycle, and for that, I am sorry. But know this, your beauty is not defined by the boys that acknowledged it, but rather by the man that died for you. I'm not the prettiest flower in the garden, but the gardener spend His life investing in my beauty. This may be cheesy, and I really don't care. All I know is that this has been on my heart, and how I wish someone would listen to an awkward girl who was never asked to prom but believes her prince is on his way.

When I die...

Here I am, in desperate need of a study break, listening to Sigur Ros, and thinking about life. I frequently wonder about death; however, it isn't like you probably imagine. Maybe I should rephrase, I often wonder about life. At twenty years old, I have developed an unhealthy fear of life. No, I am not afraid to awake, I'm afraid I've never really woken up. Cheesy, yes, but true. I'm so scared that one day it will be over, that I will be gone, and my life is not worth remembering. This fear propels me and motivates me. I've grown up in the church, and as much as I love the children of God, I am terrified of being like them. It appears that the average Christian lives a complacent life--a pew-warmer, if you will. The occassional "Jesus is good" and "Come visit my church" fulfill their Christian duty. Oh, but there is so much more. Complacency is killing the church, and we cannot sit by and watch. As a church, we have turned to the ideology of praying, which is good, but Christ calls us to action. Prayer cannot be a replacement for action, it must be a supplement. Boy, I feel like I could preach. What happened? Why has the church slowed down? Why are we advocating pro-life but refusing to adopt? We must provide solutions to the things we advocate. Yes, I am pro-life, but I am also pro-adoption, and if you're a child of Christ, you should be pro-adoption too. Maybe it isn't your thing--then you need to help someone else adopt. Okay, I got off on a tangent, its just adoption is one of the things I am most passionate about in life. So what I am saying? Supplement your prayer life with action. Refuse to be apathetic, refuse to be complacent. You'll never make Christ so proud. Peace & Blessings Now...go make a difference! Brigitte

The Valley of Decisions

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of DECISIONS I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me. -Brigitte Ray Version (BRV) Decisions. How I hate them. While I admit that there are a few things worse than decisions (like Hitler and AIDs), decisions are one of the plagues of my life. With decisions comes enourmous amounts of anxiety that seem to settle in my stomach. So you're wondering: what kind of decision are you making? My future. Talk about overwhelming. How am I supposed to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life? I barely know what I am wearing tomorrow! Yet, I'm supposed to commit? Here it is...the big kahuna. What I want from life: 1. To make a difference 2. To work with the marginalized 3. To love my job 4. To serve God at my job 5. To know I made the right choice Pray Saints. It is getting confusing in here. Peace & Blessings P.S. What do you see me doing? I'm up for any advice I can get :)

The Pursuit of Joy

It wasn't until today, after a particularly stirring sermon, that I realized the problem with the pursuit of happiness. No, not the movie, the ideology. Today, the preacher explained the difference between happiness and joy. In a nutshell, happiness is when you become the "object" of life. For those of you that do not enjoy English, essentially you let life handle you. However, joy is when you become the "subject" of life. Essentially, you handle life. While there are various spiritual and psychological implications, I plan to just ramble, hence the title.

As a psych major, it is my personal opinion that depression is our modern-day plague. It is everywhere! In fact, I struggle with depression. (Go ahead and embrace the irony). In psychology, we refer to a possible cause of depression as an issue with locus of control. Essentially, do you feel that you have control over life or that life has control over you? If you feel the latter, then theoretically, you are at risk for depression.

While I am no psychologist, I have begun to recognize this problematic thinking in my own life. I am a bystander. When life sucks, I swim in suckiness. When life rocks, I head bang with the best of them. Thus, I have established my emotional well-being to be directly correlated with the circumstances of life.

At first, this seems logical. If your house burns down and you lose everything, depression would seem normal? If you lose the love of your life to chronic illness, depression would seem normal? But what if joy is bigger than depression? What if depression is only characterized by a lack of happiness?

Yes, I struggle with depression, but the real issue is I struggle with joy. Why? I haven't the slightest clue. All I know is that somewhere along the way I convinced myself that life's circumstances determined my emotional well-being. Here is the secret though...life sucks. Seriously, you will lose people that have invested in your life, you will lose jobs, you will lose friends, you will lose happiness, but will you lose joy?

So here is what it comes down to--and this is me paraphrasing the preacher--joy comes down to realizing God's provision and His promise. So yes, I can feel sad, after all, life gives us lemons. But joy...there is something to shout about--sorry I'm Pentecostal so we shout, not "rejoice in our hearts"--because God always provides and we always have the promise of eternal life.

So there you have it, my humble, layman thoughts on joy.

Peace & Blessings,
Brigitte